Smartphones rob us of our introspective time on the can.

The other day I was thinking about how much money I waste every month on my iPhone’s data plan.  It occurred to me that the longest contiguous blocks of time I spend using the device are actually when I’m – what’s an elegant way to put it? – doing a sit-down potty.  Whilst dropping a deuce I’m either playing a game or flipping through the App Store, jealously cursing the insipid one-star wallpaper “apps” that somehow consistently make it to number 3 on the Paid Apps list.  The runner-up time-spendy iPhone activities for me are jotting down notes in Everlook, texting, or looking at maps.

I would say that about 80% of my iPhone time is actually at work while parked in the men’s room.  When I first got the device I’d camp out in there for what seemed like hours – browsing apps, downloading them, trying them out, rating them, reviewing them, sharing my excitement with whoever happened to be in the adjoining stall.  I would leave when I felt my legs getting numb.  I tried to go more often, but it felt strange to go to the bathroom and sit down without actually having some business to take care of.  To make my visits more naturally frequent, at lunch I began eating things that I knew would grant me plenty of trips to the john in the afternoon.  (The Chartroose Caboose earned that name fair and square.  I won’t tell you how.)  My iPhone/crapper addiction was starting to affect my job.

But eventually I got used to having an Internet-connected, touch-controlled, micro-computer in my pocket.  (Think about that…it’s pretty damned amazing.)  Up until very recently I’d still use my phone for a quick game or a quick hate-filled glance at the cesspool they call the App Store.  But yesterday I left my phone charging at my computer and took off for the lavatory.  I actually paused for a second, and wondered if I should grab it and take it with me, but it was nearly dead (from an earlier bowel-n-browse session) and I figured I wouldn’t be gone long.

It was while I was phoneless on the can that I had an epiphany:  Having access to a smartphone pretty much negates any chance of having an epiphany while you’re on the can.

I’m a firm yet malleable believer that the quiet time spent alone on the toilet is necessary for good mental health.  It’s like REM stage sleep.  A person can’t get right with themselves if they’re constantly interrupted by communicating, playing games, or mumbling death wishes for those lazy, opportunistic hacks who somehow manage to get their garbage apps approved by Apple.

Take back your sanity by leaving your phone behind when you visit the loo!


One response to this post.

  1. Posted by ReverendJoe on May 20, 2013 at 3:55 pm

    I sat in the next chair when you got that device. It wasn’t “seem” like hours … it WAS.


    Not sure I can break my own bowel-n-browse habit, tho …

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